A Lament: Medical Edition

 *I missed yesterday's Slice! That sun and good vibes got me, again :)

For as long as I can remember, I've thought people were different than me. I used to think my parents were robots, when I was far too old to make such imaginative ideas feel real. At a different time, I distinctly remember following them through the mall and thinking how their brains fire their nerves to constrict and relax their muscles as they move and it was like I could watch their skeletons move under their skin. I must have just learned about the nervous system, but I was terrified that they were something other than human.

Most children, when they're young, are scared of "normal" things in the closet or shadows of night: witches, monsters, ghosts. Me? I was 100% positive there was a mass murderer (we think this carried over from my grandparents' watching Dateline at full blast), drug trafficker, or Baphomet (specifically that demon) waiting to get me when everyone else had fallen asleep. So yea, pretty typical kid 😅

I also asked, what I considered to be "normal" questions about the things that happen in your body: do you ever get like, an electric current through your body and you shiver? When your brain turns on at night, how do you get it to turn off? Don't you hate it when your tongue itches after you eat almonds? Do you ever have days you just can't get out of bed or do what you're supposed to do? To what I hope is no one's surprise by now, these questions were met with a lot of "... what?". If you've been following along, you may have surmised that we didn't talk a lot about mental health in my house because you just "get through it and then you die." - my last remaining grandparent who is still kicking at 96.

At age 12, I figured out why my tongue itched when I ate almonds, because it started to happen when I had pistachios and cashews. In high school, I ate two kiwi back to back before a school concert and had to fake playing my clarinet because my lips were too swollen. Ugh, food and seasonal allergies, but at least these weren't the end of the world for me. Around the same middle school to high school stretch, I found out I had astigmatism in one of my eyes, was near sighted and far sighted in a way that people triple my age paid to have done, had what I remember being called hydrophobic eczema (but is absolutely ASA, so now idea where I learned the other thing), actual eczema, and would probably never have a normal cycle since it didn't even out after 6 years and was making me borderline anemic. BRILLIANT.

I kept going to the doctor, dentist, optometrist, etc. because that's what you were supposed to do. I kept getting the weird shivers, the nonstop thoughts, and the very real, but incredibly irrational fear of mass murderers coming to get me any time I was alone and in the dark. I moved out in my early 20's and stopped going to the doctor, mainly because I never had to find my own, so how does one do that? A friend of mine was giving her doctor rave reviews, so I thought, let's give it a shot. 

For a year or two, I asked no questions, just took what she said and moved forward. My first question, when I was finally desperate enough, was about not being able to shut off the noise in my head. Anxiety? Try this. Okay, now the noises are quieter, but what do I do about being in neutral mentally for every part of my life except for work? Depression? Try this. Woo, I am feeling better, except ... the noise is back. Let's add this. Cool, cool, cool, so my focus has never been great, I hyperfixate and can lose hours in technology or when people talk I get annoyed after a while. Fill out this survey. Oh, yes, you need to go see this specialist. Specialist comes back with a list of diagnosis, including ADHD - Inattentive. Adderall for the win! Things are really going well, but now my stomach hurts at random points, always at night, and I have to work the next morning so ... what's making it hurt? Let's run some tests. Oh, you've finished your bowl at Cava and are just about to eat the pita bread? By the super casual way, you have Celiac's.

Over the course of five years my shivers were explained (ADHD), my brain noise was explained (anxiety and ADHD), and my need to have "do nothing days" was explained (depression). Okay. So. I'll stay away from the gluten and tree nut foods, keep taking my meds for anxiety, depression, and ADHD, and I should be good! Mmmm almost. Now, I'm noticing my sleep isn't great. I get a lot of it, but never feel rested. What's that? A sleep study? Sure! Results: you have incredibly mild sleep apnea, but you move far too much for your brain to be resting, so here's some pills to help with that too. Whew. Right on, so many pills, but we should be good to go now, right? Oh, my dearest gentle reader, we forgot one thing: I have PCOS. You see, I'm lucky to be a fairly asymptomatic person which can be great, but also forces me to spend a lot of time asking and re-asking for tests/diagnostics. For example, generally those with PCOS have a lower voice, thick hair in places like the face/arms/neck, incurable acne, and a few other skin-level indicators. Me? My voice is kind of lower, that's it. Which means a lot of internal searching (blood tests, sonograms, etc.) have to be done to prove what I know to be true is true.

About two months ago, I was chatting it up with my therapist and mentioned that I wasn't having a "low" I just was exhausted, all of the time. I had looked up a few other symptoms and came to the conclusion that I could be entering perimenopause. When I met up with the ob/gyn, she was adamant I was not yet in perimenopause, but we should run a few tests to try to sort some stuff out. Oh, did I mention that depression, ADHD, PCOS, and Celiac's all come with fatigue as a side effect? Again, FANTASTIC.

Blood work comes back and I understand each part, but not how it works together as a whole. My testosterone is off the chart (normal for people with PCOS), but my free testosterone is normal? My absorption of iron is excellent, but my ferritin is low? I've got vitamin deficiencies and some of them are at the clinical level? Enter AI, which clearly states almost every other line that it is not a doctor and I should wait to see what my doctor says. In summary: your body is at war with itself, but it's not like, a deadly war? So you can breathe, but also, maybe not too deeply? Also, how are you still standing?

Wednesday, the day after this challenge ends, and the day before my in-laws descend upon my quiet haven of Spring Break, I have my appointment to review the test results. Hopefully, this next set of maladies can be rectified quickly and sleep may start being refreshing again :)