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Unsolicited Advice

There's the age-old belief that everything that is "wrong" with us can somehow be traced back to our mothers. I do not know how true that statement is, if there is even a proper study to be done about it, but I do know mine came up several times in the past few weeks. The "issue" wasn't in the past, but something very much in the present.

My mother, at least recently, has a habit of giving advice in a way that suggests I have no idea how to operate as an adult. To make a 37 year story shorter, I moved out of my parents' house about 13 years ago and moved (with their help!) over 8 hours away, through two other states to start my teaching career. There was a lot to learn at 24/25 about being on my own, but what was I going to do, move home? 

*This is where my mother would interject that OF COURSE I could/can move home, did I want to do that right now? The room can be made up for me, or me and Gibbs, or me, Gibbs, and Josh by the time we get there tonight!*

Fast forward 13 years: I have moved ~5 times between three cities since that initial move. I have made friends, purchased a new car, gotten my Master's, switched teaching positions, found medical professionals, paid all of my bills, gotten married, and all of the other things that adults do. The 5-year-old puppy drama king on the couch would like to let you all know that I keep him alive as well :)

A daughter's frustration arises here: one might think all of these experiences would be enough to show that I am capable of making (usually) responsible decisions that lead to (usually) positive outcomes. In the past three conversations, Mom has offered unsolicited advice on questions to ask a doctor, how to get rid of my fatigue, the medicine I've been prescribed, and how to relate to my students. In my head plays a movie clip of the indomitable Miranda Priestly: "Florals? For Spring? Groundbreaking".

This, it appears, is not an "isolated to me" problem. In that doctor's appointment, my doctor told me her mother also gives her advice, even about her specialty, without having been a doctor herself. At my hair appointment today, my stylist told a similar story where her mother is constantly giving her advice, neglecting the fact that my stylist has been independent of support for almost 10 years. I recently read an article about how Boomers and Millennials communicate and how that alone can cause a flurry of issues in the workplace and family dynamics. For example, when "Thank you!" is said, a Boomer commonly answers "You're Welcome!" to show they did not mind helping, while a Millennial commonly answers "No Problem!" for the same reason. This disconnect in verbiage has led to misunderstandings and, if the internet is to be believed, even physical altercations.

In my heart of hearts, I know that she, and by proxy mothers overall, means well. I know, that to her, I am still the same teenage kid on the fragile tightrope of screwing up my life forever by not applying myself academically or choosing the wrong friend. However, my heart of hearts is not always easily accessible during our chats and more often than not, my replies get shorter until they are monosyllabic. Then, she or I might change the topic or I might have pulled into the parking garage and she wishes for me to say hello to Josh and give Gibbs some love.

When I call again this week, I will try to have my heart of hearts ready and remember how lucky I am to still be able to get the unsolicited advice in real-time.

Comments

  1. CherylMarch 24, 2026 at 10:12 PM

    Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable in this post. I think it's an experience that resonates with a lot of people. I'm 46, and in my experience, it took me a bit of time to figure out when to just feel lucky to get advice and when to set up boundaries to aid my relationships with my parents.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Chris MargocsMarch 24, 2026 at 10:15 PM

    I get the annoyance, especially since the advice is unsolicited. Makes me wonder if mom is still trying to find her place in the empty nest. It can be hard to switch gears, after being the one who makes almost all the major decisions for children (aka carrying the mental load of childrearing} for decades.

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