Women-Only

 Last night I had dinner with a few women. We were out together by an app, spent several weeks (with breaks for holidays!) getting to know a bit about each other, and now we are making it on our own. Are they friends? I don't know yet, but I do enjoy my time being with them and learning from them, there is always so much to learn!

As the clean up from dinner/dessert was happening, one of the women gently said that she really appreciated being in a Women-Only space and feeling comfortable to share her thoughts. At first, I thought "of course you can!", but then I had several follow up thoughts that I think she might have meant:

- Having a Women-Only space: there are many times in life that our space is dominated by men, even if they are the minority in the room. Somehow (silly societal expectations) they become the speaker, the leader, the center, even if they do not wish to be. I am lucky to work with many men who would gladly step to the side instead of taking center stage in conversations. However, their presence alone may make it challenging to truly share our thoughts/feelings/experiences/knowledge, for a litany of reasons (this could be a separate post or series of posts!).

- Having a space where you feel comfortable to share your thoughts: There are so many expectations put upon us based on elements we can't really control: other's perceptions. In thinking last night, I too appreciate that as a group, we have moments together where we can be who we are, regardless of what face we show to the world. In our first session, our group guide brought us into some heavy topics, so we were used to getting into the weeds of it all. There truly doesn't seem to be "bravado" or insincerity. We share what we feel comfortable with and for some of us that's a little and for some of us that's a lot. Last night, we did the same with a "simple" question "What is one thing now that past/younger you would be proud of you for?". Do you know how much space a question like that can take up in a room? It can suck all the air out if you let it! Lucky for me, I wasn't in the hot seat immediately, so I had time to think about my answer and gauge its potential impact on the vibes of the evening. I should have known better by now though, our group can always recover from the deep and dark. We don't apologize for tears, we don't preface statements, we dive in and got lucky enough that at least one other woman has stood in a place that we have stood.

- Having a Women-Only space where you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts: Women can be extraordinarily cruel. I'm not sure where "mean girls come first" happened, probably in the 90's to 2000's with media and starving ourselves, but truly, women rip each other down faster than any other creature I've ever seen. I feel like it must start in middle school, as that is what I teach and that notion rears its ugly, unreasonable head more frequently as the year goes on. This requires discussions and time set aside to address the underlying issues, so students know that not only is ripping each other down not okay, it won't be helpful in your life, ever. I am profoundly glad to have this group of women who support each other. Many of us have been through tough times, some through cancer, infertility, persecution based on religion, and so on. All of us have been through the "lighter" tough times of growing up, needing help and not knowing how to ask for it, the termination of a relationship in general, and more. 

In this space, surrounding a dinner table with people I do not know in-depthly, I am comfortable in my "womanness"and more importantly, what being a woman looks like for me. In the beginning, some of these women terrified me. The way they dressed, spoke, walked, and everything else was so much more in line with "ladylike" than I think I have ever been. Some of us dress up, some come in jeans and a t-shirt, some laugh loudly, others barely laugh above a whisper. All those who believe in inclusivity are welcome to our table. I am comfortable in my thoughts, feelings, and knowledge. I am comfortable listening and learning. I am comfortable. That can be a very challenging thing to be. I am grateful for this opportunity to grow within myself and this community.